?

Log in

No account? Create an account

Silv


Her meadow of thoughts

Recent Entries · Archive · Friends · Profile

* * *
RIP Retu
12.1996 - 11.9.2009
* * *
I still feel crappy. I miss Tero so much. He's in Oulu. It's not like he's even gone for a long time, just a week, but it's still horrible. How can you be this addicted to a person? Probably because I don't communicate so much with my friends... which I really should do. But I feel like we're all not communicating enough. I hardly ever get calls from my friends or invites, and I am tired of organizing... One summer it was only me who ever rounded up the whole bunch. It got a bit tiresome. *sigh* If neither one of you keep contact, who's fault is it? Or then there's no reason to blame anybody... Just forget about it and get into the good habits again.

I don't feel like sleeping. At all. I feel almost insomnic, even if it's this early. I just... want my katharsis moment. I want to write. Again.

I'm... I dunno what I was supposed to say. Maybe I should go and write...

I want to complain so much. I want somebody who'd hug me, listen to me... and have from frigging sympathy for me. I told a class mate about having to put Retu down soon, her reaction: "Yeah, I wish my parents would put down their dog too." I was on the verge of tears this morning, actually still am, and that's the responce? But then again, this person isn't really the friendliest type... Bah, none of them are. My classmates seems so cold. Or the ones I get along with are. The teenagers who act too much like their age can be amongst themselves, thank you very much. Our older people, the ones I get along with... They're cold. I want a classmate with whom I wouldn't have to feel like I'm trodding on eggshells ._. I hate feeling insecure.

I want so much... Mainly I just want Tero.
* * *
We're going to have to put Retu down soon. He's got a tumor right next to his windpipe, it keeps making him cough. It's horrible to listen to...
I hate it how my mom talks about putting him down. She talks about it like it would be my decision only.
I would have him put down... but I don't want to have my mom be there. I could take him to the vet, be there with him until the end, if I were alone. But I don't want to have my mom there. Or then I'd have mom take him and be here alone. I don't want to support my mother and I don't want her support. Yet again... I want support... I want support from somebody. I dunno who, just anybody but my mother.

We were talking with my mom about what to do after Retu's passed. There needs to be a dog in this house, that's kind of an agreement. But mom doesn't want to deal with a puppy. I'd love to, I've never lived with a puppy so I need the experience, but I couldn't deal with it either, because of school. But we came to a conclusion. We'll take Celes. She doesn't get good enough care now that Mika and Tessi have split up. We should be able to get her...

But blah... I want to talk with somebody... I feel horrible.
* * *
I had some form of clairvoyancy yesterday. My school started late, so I had time to go to a pet store and get food for my rats. At the same time I checked the tick tweezers and finally bought one. I've been meaning to do that for ages. My mom always said that she wont buy one, because "Retu will never get ticks because he has such thick fur", despite him having had ticks earlier. The ticks don't attach to his body where the thick fur is, they go for the legs or his face, where there's less fur. Well, I went and bought it, finally. The day goes by and in the evening we sit down to watch TV, I scritch the dog... and find the world's largest tick on his chin. Now I'm really happy that I got the tweezers.

Been feeling crappy lately. I lose my nerve with my mother. Yesterday I wore clothes that I had been wearing for the whole weekend and they were a bit fancier than what I'd normally wear, because "normally" means a school day, practical work, so no wearing clothes I like. Well, my mom goes and comments that boy aren't you fancy today. I don't even know if she means anything by it, but I can't help it. Whenever she comments on my appearance, which is whenever I try to get myself to look nicer, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Why do I constantly have to feel ugly and guilty about trying to look good? I want her to stop commenting on how I look... First I'm too fat, now I'm too skinny... I can never be good enough for her.
It's even worse when I try to put on makeup... She'll barge in and want to check my warpaint. Yeah, it may be her version of humour, but it's making me feel like crap. Gee, thanks for caring about the mental wellbeing of your daughter. I would love to learn how to do these wonderful eyeliner twirls my friends do, but I feel so guilty inside whenever I reach for the makeup bag, because I feel like I'm not allowed to do such things... I'm not allowed to try and look pretty.
And not to even mention the driving school... I HATE driving... I get so nervous and anxious whenever I get near that blasted car... And nobody's listening to me about it... All they say is that it's just good if you a driving license. For hell's sake, I know it's good for me, but why can't anybody listen that I feel horrible about it?!

I want to feel like I could live on my own... I want to feel like I can look the way I want... I want to feel good about myself...
* * *
I'm teetering between whether I should go to Ropecon this year or not... I've been missing out on way too many things this year... But still. I don't have that much inspiration for Ropecon. I feel like I should name it to stresscon this year... I'm way too stressed. I see almost every thing that I do to be wrong... Not going to the con, going to the con, both would be so wrong in my head. I can think of many reasons for both options. But I have also one really concrete reason not to go... I need to save money... if I ever want to live on my own...

I feel so useless. We have the guys here, it's been somewhat fun, but still... The guys just ignore me and I get no private time with Tero. Normally we'd chat and RP in bed before going to sleep, but now the guys play so late into the night that I'm in a coma way before they even start thinking about quitting. But at least Tero's having fun.

Well, school's starting soon... At least I'll have something to do for the day. But still... blah... Stress.

I feel like I'd have some sort of anxiety disorder. I get strangely panicky from all sorts of things... Blah...

I want... I don't even know what I want...
* * *
* * *
EDIT: They've found him. The old gramps is okay : )

The dog is gone. My mother just called and said that Wednesday night was a huge thunderstorm, Retu freaked out and ran away. Nothing's been heard of him since.
I feel... I kinda don't feel anything. At least yet. Or wait... I feel like he's gonna come back anyway, that they'll find him. But then again... I would be sad KNOWING that he'd be dead, but now... There's no knowledge.
Then again, I am not expecting him to get through this summer, or at least not far past it. He has a tumour next to his trachea and he's old. So it kind of feels like that this was expected... Well, not this way, but you know what I mean. I would have rather have him die knowing that he really is dead, not like that he ran off and was never heard from since.
It's just not settling in that I've most likely lost a companion. A dim-witted but very lovable companion.

Come back or rest in peace, Retu.


* * *
Ah, summer. Lovely, warm summer. It was beautifully warm for the last few weeks. The last two days were cold, but now, looking outside, it looks promisingly sunny and warm : )

I'm currently at Loppi. I love being away from home. I would so badly want to have an apartment of my own. *sigh* My mom's not helping me at all with that. Though then again, I haven't dared to actually say that I would like to get out as soon as possible. I think that it would just end up with her ridiculing me and me getting pissed and screaming at her.
My mother does not take me seriously. I KNOW how to feed my rats, thank you very much. I've told my mother not to give the rats treats through the bars, because then they'll learn to bite anything that comes through the bars... including fingers. Well, she didn't take me seriously and now she's wondering why they're biting her. It took years to convince my mother not to pamer Retu during thunderstorms and New Year's, she just didn't believe me.
My mother just doesn't believe me at all that I can manage on my own. When she goes away for a day, she has to make sure that there's at least a week's worth of food for me, preferably even already cooked, in the fridge. It's as if I'm not even giving the chance to try and safely practise living on my own for the few days she's away.
When I've been little, everything was done for me. I never had to do practically any chores, just randomly help here and there very rarely. And now my mom's wondering why it's not second nature for me to vaccuum the whole house whenever needed.
I've had an incredibly hard time gaining indepence. I really hope to gather money soon so that I can move out.

Whoah, mother-rant o.O Back to our scheduled program... Summer!

I love it when it's warm. I would love to go swimming. I'll have to bother Tero if we could go today... of course depending on the weather.
This week we'll probably be heading back to Turku (actually Raisio) for a D&D night. Tuomas is taking care of his parent's dogs there, so I'll get to see those two as well. Very amusing critters, a brasilian terrier and a snchauzer. And Edwin! Edwin's a french guy with an awesome sense of humour. It's so delightful listening to the guys when they get going on the jokes.
And next week... The whole gaming group's coming here! This'll be so hysterical XD Tero's mom is going away for the weekend and we'll have the whole house for ourselves. There'll be me, two rats, two cats, a dog and... seven guys XD We'll grill, go to sauna, hopefully go swimming and of course the guys will be playing a ton of D&D. Last time when we had a gaming group here, it was only Tuomas and the Politician, but that resulted in fun times as well. We went to sauna (my first mixed sauna, btw XD) and all of a sudden Tero decided that he'll go ride his motorbike around the yard... naked XD

I don't know how long I'll be here... I know I'll have to go home before Ropecon to get all of my stuff... Then again, Tero could probably come along and we could get the whole group together like last time. But blech, who knows.

I just want that own apartment so badly...
* * *
I feel like one of my characters... I'm sipping tea while writing. If that's not Icaros, nothing is...
Shame that I've lost most of my writing ability.

*sigh* Stress. Tero's on Turku... but he's not here. Tero and my mom do not get along, so Tero's practically sworn that he wont set foot in this house while my mom's present. It's making me so sad, because I would love to spend some alone-time with Tero. We have too little time to actually talk and RP. I especially miss the RPing... It makes me sad that I get so tired so early.

I was with the guys today, we were at Raisio. Kind of boring and dull, because they consentrated on their own things and I had nothing else to do than lie there. I wish I could've slept, but I didn't find a comfortable position on the cold floor x.x I've noticed that I've begun to hate the cold. I adore snow, but I hate, hate, hate being cold. One of the worst things: My school's practically always cold. One morning we spent two hours standing still in a bird watching tower. You will probably believe that none of us felt too warm after that. Luckily the days are finally warming up.
I was supposed to dress up all pretty today, but I ran out of time and it really dampened my spirits. When I was walking home from the bus stop after school, I felt so energetic and alive, like I really deserved to be pretty and really wanted to look nice. After the shower, quickly drying and dressing myself the mood had lessened sligthly... but then, when all too soon my cell phone started beeping that I should get going, my mood was just shot down. And the cold didn't really help. Then again, I admit that I wore too little today. I wish it would soon get so warm that you wouldn't need a jacket outside.

Tomorrow I should go see the guys again... Not sure if I feel inspired. Though maybe I'll go there and draw... I should get a ton of exchange pictures done. I went from having all the time in the world to having almost no time at all way too suddenly. If I had known, I definitely wouldn't have signed up for all those exchanges... and definitely would not have taken that adoption from DAX x.x I thought that I would have time during the päivystys, but it turned out that I didn't. Whoppee.

So I have a dilemma for tomorrow. Then again, if I go there, I'll hopefully be able to sleep.Tuomas' couch is awesome, it's a perfect place to sleep on. We will see... I should probably go to bed now too... Though, again, I don't really feel like sleeping. I am as tired as hell, but the sleeping-part just isn't appealing. I would love to be by Tero's side and fall asleep there, but, alas, no.

I'm really starting to want my own apartment... I am definitely not going to Kiviniemi this year. I'll stay right here and force my parents out of this house so that I can practise living on my own. It's terrible that my mom's not doing anything to help me gain independence. Of course she's not, I'm her baby girl who's never supposed to grow up, so that she'll always have somebody to fret about, over-feed and complain to. *sigh* I shouldn't complain this much...

I need sleep... Currently I dislike schedules... x.x Normally I can't live without them x.x I want to feel happy, accepted and stress-free. I constantly feel like banging my head against a wall. Hrr, sleep...

I can't keep writing x.x Time for sleep.
* * *
FINALLY out of there. Whoohoo for screwed up rhythms. At least I got to see Tero today : ) And Loppi this weekend hopefully.

I really would want to look pretty. But, what I see as pretty is highly unpractical at school, so I just wear my normal clothes. I would love it if I had more time for myself, but, ah well. And they're be a lot less time from tomorrow onwards, since I'm starting driving school. Scary XD

Not inspired to go back to school at all. We get no compensation at all for staying there during holidays. If the kitchen wouldn't have given us food, we would have gotten 5€ per each day the kitchen wasn't open. But we got food, so no money. And absolutely nothing to compensate for the loss of seriously needed holidays. Ah well, that's life, unfair and all, but I'm still complaining. It's just not fun. Luckily just three weeks more. Then back to the pet shop for more work experience. I hope that'll go as well as it did last time. And I need to check on our little local shop if I can get the summer job spot... And I wish I would get calls from the other places I've applied to. Would just be nice to know what my summer's gonna be like...
* * *
* * *
* * *
We have two massive rottweilers boarding currently. Both are male and their names are Fritz and... Taateli (means date, the fruit). Poor dog. Fritz is good to go on a walk with, but he pulls slightly on his leash. It's not fun when a 50kg+ dog decides that he wants to go somewhere where you don't want to go. But... date... (damn that name XD) he tries to hump anybody who's walking him. Last night when they came, a girl who's a head shorter than me took him out for a walk. I can believe that it's horrible when a dog that's the same size as you are starts humping you. Today I've taken him on two walks. I didn't even count how many times he tried to get me on an hour's walk x.x During a ten minute walk he tried five times. I got scratched over the eye one time, I have an itsy bitsy red stripe over my eye, it's almost cool XD Naw, I wouldn't want a scar over my eye.
So yeah, this job has its dangers. I also have a hole in my pants... because of a rabbit XD There's one fluffball here who hasn't been brushed often enough, his fur is in mats, it's horrible. I tried clearing out his fur again today but he got so frustated that he tried to dig his way through my pants and finally bit me. Silly thing, but a really beautiful creature: his fur's a smoky mixture of black, grey and white.
Yay, tomorrow I'll get to see Tiia's ferrets. They're awesome guys, highly amusing tubes of fur : ) They're such personalities.
It'll be a change of shifts tomorrow. The older care takers will take their leave, me and my partner will be "promoted" to being the older care takers and we'll get two new girls to work with. That didn't sound too clear... Our care taking rounds start at the beginning of the year with pair A who work for two weeks. During pair As second week, pair B come and learn the ropes from pair A. After their two week, pair A leaves and pair C arrives to learn from pair B, and so on. I wonder if that made any sense.
Our older pair hasn't been too instructive. I've done most of the evening shifts, but I haven't done them in the stables, because I still have no idea what we're supposed to feed the animals with and how much of everything. But luckily there are instruction papers everywhere, so technically we wouldn't even need instructors, but it's lovely when there's somebody who's actually showing you how to do things. I dunno, it's just the way I work.
I've been writing for three days in a row now. I haven't done this (apart from November) in ages... I've forgotten how good writing feels like. I love writing. Though the only thing that bothers me is that I've gotten stuck in a melancholic atmosphere. All of the snippets I've written and also the (apparently XD) longer story I just started are all filled with melancholy/angst. I hope it's just a phase. I'll leave it be for now because it's the only thing I feel like writing, but I hope to start trying other atmosphere's some day, if I can keep up this pace at writing. I'm almost certain that when my care taking here ends and I'm back at home, I wont be writing again... I've quite gotten used to writing on this laptop... It was my original idea that even if I'd be home, I'd write on the laptop... I only now realized what a good idea it actually is. Although it's killing my back, I can be in a position that feels more creative to me than sitting riggedly on my chair. Lying on my back with my laptop propped against my legs is quite a good example of an impossible position with a computer.
Also, I need to draw. Lessons are a good place to draw... Will probably be doing that tomorrow XD
The rats are doin fine here. I've had them on my shoulders almost every day now. One day  I sat at the common room and watched TV with them. Well, that's what I do with them at home too... Currently the guys are asleep.
Our common room's fridge is interesting... I found two months old milk in there XD I would just love to go through the fridge and throw away all the old stuff, but I don't dare to. I guess I'm a bit of a cleaning freak... or well, not cleaning at all, I don't mind dust and the likes, but I mind unorganised chaos. I'm an order freak XD I like things to be in their places when not in use, and for example unwashed dishes or washed dishes just hanging around on the table for no reason at all annoy the heck out of me.
Monday will be great because I'll get to sleep late, no morning shifts! If I don't sleep too late, I'll get breakfast at school too. I like having breakfast here, we have the best toaster I've seen so far. It makes toast nice and crispy ^^ And also I'll get to go home on Monday, to go to the therapist. Being home has it's perks, but I'm currently really liking being here. Actually, the only thing that bothers me is the fact that we can't get out of here at all, unless we'll leave for the whole night and come back tomorrow morning. The bus that takes us to Turku leaves immediately back to Paimio and it's the last one of the day that goes through here if asked to. So that's a bother. It would be different if I had a license and a car, but I couldn't afford the gas. Ah well, I'll keep dreaming. I've actually been dreaming of my own appartment for a lon time now... Some day, some day soon, hopefully...

I got stuck on writing again. I just enjoy this too much to bother with what I babble about. Lovely... : ) I still miss flows though... Haven't had a good flow in ages, in anything... Let's hope that that'll come along soon... Someday too.

* * *
I wrote... I finally wrote...

I feel like writing...

This is incredible...

This is like a breath of life to me... Finally... I'm coming to life. It's coming back.

* * *
I'm at Paimio. This time living here.
We have a thing called päivystys, where four student at a time stay at the school theoritically 24/7 and take care of the school's animals and the dogs and cats at the boarding kennel. My schedule's kinda loose here XD I feel like I'm not doing any work partially because I don't have too many shifts, but also because a part of our lessons on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday contain the very same tasks the caretakers are supposed to be doing. It takes a huge weight off our shoulders and I am so glad of that. And also we only have two dogs boarding currently. The other one is an eons old tibetan spaniel who's so, so slow when on a walk XD And he's always showing his tongue at people, it's kind of cute.
The next week will be... interesting. We'll have three cats and seven or so dogs boarding plus the school's own animals (two cats, a guineapig, four rabbits, two gerbils, a hamster, a frog, a horse, a pony, two goats and two sheep) to take care of. Luckily our easter holiday starts on Thursday... Well, lucky and lucky, because we're stuck here, but at least we wont have to worry about making it on time to lessons.
A lot of people have asked me whether we have to attend lessons while we're doing this. Of course we have to o.O Some people have wondered if this is legal XD I dunno if it is or not, but not a lot we can do about it.

I have my rats here too... I should go change their water.
* * *
I'm back at Paimio. Well, still not living there, but still, going to school.
I feel so rushed, I don't have enough time x.x
I have to leave for school in a few minutes. At the earliest, I get home just before 18.00. Today I just might get home earlier.
Quite a lot of stuff has happened that I could write about, but don't have the time nor the energy to do that.
* * *
Guess what, guess what, guess what?!

Rats! ^^

I has a pair of amazing hopefully not farting pocket rats!

I went and bought a pair of rats finally. I've been waiting for these guys for a couple of months... I was originally meaning to get rats from the petshop where I did the work experience thingie, but they would have had rats in March at the earliest. So I went to another petshop and they had rats : ) Now I have two charming boys, an agouti mismatched berkshire (meaning http://www.kesyrottayhdistys.fi/skey/stand/agouti.jpg with a non-symmetrical pattern of white on the belly. But he's a bit grayer than the picture) and a hooded agouti (like so: http://www.kesyrottayhdistys.fi/skey/stand/hd.jpg). Their names are Kuura and Pyry. I dunno why, but I wanted winter-themed names.

Pyry's really acitve, he's even currently running around and exploring their massive cage. I got Tessi's old rat cage and it is huge. I love it. 
... Pyry's trying to be an escape artist... Sorry guy, you're not getting out of there.
Kuura's still inside they're hidey hole.

I probably wont take pictures any time soon, but who knows o.o I might...
* * *
* * *
I am so hellishly stressed out now. Just constant stress. Nothing but stress. Honestly, this isn't funny. Not at all. I'm snapping at every possible thing at every possible moment, I'm tense, annoyed and just want things to work out for once.

I spent the last four weeks at a dog daycare center, doing work practise. That was okay enough, but stressing, because I constantly felt like I wasn't doing well enough, that I'm not good at what I'm doing.

Now I have two weeks at a stable. I am practically no use at a stable... I do not know enough about horses... Yeah, yeah, the point is to learn, but hell, I feel so stressed about how good I am and how good I'm supposed to be...

I am having an impossible time finding a summer job... What the hell should I have done? Asked for jobs last year's summer? I definitely should have done that... Nearing 20 and never done a single day of a summer job. That's horrible. I feel so bad for that. And now, every single place I've called has said that they're not taking or then to send an application. One spot required the application, I just sent it a couple of days ago... No responce yet, obviously, and yet I am fairly certain that I wont get that spot.

Damn, I need to go... I could just spend the time here ranting... Ah well, ranting at the therapist's seems like a better option.
* * *
On se niin ihanaa kun lähes koko huusholli haisee pinttyneeltä ripulipaskasta, joka on seissyt lattialla varmaan koko päivän. Isän mielestä se on "meidän" (äitini ja minun) homma siivota, ei hän siivoa Retun ripuleja ja oksennuksia. Onneksi se koira osaa hätätapauksissaan mennä vessaan paskalle, harmi kun ei osaa pönttöön asti. Taitaa jäädä se suihku väliin tältä päivältä...
feel:
aggravated aggravated
* * *
Just for shits and giggles...

(1 Point) What's my first name:
(1 Point) My last name:
(5 Points) Take a stab at my middle name:
(2 Points) Where do I live:
(2 Points) What color are my eyes:
(3 Points) Who am I in love with:
(2 Points) Where did we meet:
(3 Points) What am I afraid of:
(4 Points) Describe my taste in the opposite and/or same sex:
(2 Points) Do I smoke:
(3 Points) Do I drink/What do I drink:
(2 Points, +1 point for each name) How many siblings do I have:
(2 Points, +1 point for each name) How many pets do I have:
(4 Points) What's one of my favorite things to do:
(3 Points) Who is/are my favorite person/people:
(3 Points) What's my favorite type of music:
(3 Points) What do I eat on pizza:
(3 Points) Name something I hate:
(3 Points) Name someone I hate:
(5 Points) What are my parents' names:
(4 Points) Name a talent I have:
(5 Points) What are my vices:
(5 Points for creativity) If I were stranded on a desert island, what would I bring:
* * *
I am at school currently. We had an hour's break, ten minutes of that still left... And I feel completely useless. I've been feeling like that for quite a while. I just want to wallow in my own sadness and have somebody take notice of the things in me that I want to be noticed. People keep pushing their stories at me and assuming that I am willing and able to give a review about what they've written. Yes, I like reading other people's stories WHEN I AM IN THE MOOD and when I don't feel like my own writings are ignored. And for heavens sake, I cannot give out reviews, thank you very much. I am envious of people who assume that others are willing to read and review the works of others. I simply cannot do that, my mind refuses to believe that somebody would be interested and have enough time for that.
I know that I shouldn't, but I feel ignored. I don't know why. I haven't been doing enough. I need something to do...
I really want to start that oriental dancing...

Ah well, back to the lessons...
* * *



"Through storm and sun, you traversed the noveling seas. Pitted against a merciless deadline and fighting hordes of distractions, you persevered. You launched yourself bravely into Week One, sailed through the churning waters of Week Two, skirted the mutinous shoals of Weeks Three and Four, and now have landed, victorious, in a place that few adventurers ever see.

We congratulate you on your hard work, salute your discipline and follow-through, and celebrate your imagination.

You did something amazing this month, novelist. We couldn't be prouder.

We wish you well on your future adventures, and hope to see you for Script Frenzy in April, and have you back again with us for NaNoWriMo next November.

Before you go, though, we have some NaNoWriMo Winner gifts for you.

The first are several web badges, meant to be posted on a website, blog, or cat. (Assuming you have a digital cat."

YAAAAAAAAAY!
* * *
* * *

Previous · Next