Silv

Shame on me, I didn't do this daily. Ah well. Need to get back to the swing of writing! Did pretty well today.

Yesterdays prompt, because it hadn't been posted before my bedtime XD

I suck today... I just feel so horribly bad... And my writing just keeps getting worse and slower...

I just got offered an apartment! I can't believe this! Wow... this is incredible... Wow... I'll be moving in November. This is... wow, I just can't believe this...

In preparation for November, I'm going to try and do all the writing prompts they're posting on the forums for October and post them here.
If anybody's doing NaNo this year, please add me as a buddy : ) Username is (surprise, surprise) Silv. It would be great to get people to write with.
Anyway, to the prompt! I went a little offtopic on it, but at least I did write, finally... The prompt sentence will be written in bold and is not the title or anything, it's just the prompt sentence.

</style></div>

Katumus on pelkkä sana
Yksin myöhäistä lausua

Ei tämä ole koti, tämä on vain paikka, jossa olen.

I want to write more. I want to stay up late today and write. Would be lovely...

RIP Retu
12.1996 - 11.9.2009

I still feel crappy. I miss Tero so much. He's in Oulu. It's not like he's even gone for a long time, just a week, but it's still horrible. How can you be this addicted to a person? Probably because I don't communicate so much with my friends... which I really should do. But I feel like we're all not communicating enough. I hardly ever get calls from my friends or invites, and I am tired of organizing... One summer it was only me who ever rounded up the whole bunch. It got a bit tiresome. *sigh* If neither one of you keep contact, who's fault is it? Or then there's no reason to blame anybody... Just forget about it and get into the good habits again.

I don't feel like sleeping. At all. I feel almost insomnic, even if it's this early. I just... want my katharsis moment. I want to write. Again.

I'm... I dunno what I was supposed to say. Maybe I should go and write...

I want to complain so much. I want somebody who'd hug me, listen to me... and have from frigging sympathy for me. I told a class mate about having to put Retu down soon, her reaction: "Yeah, I wish my parents would put down their dog too." I was on the verge of tears this morning, actually still am, and that's the responce? But then again, this person isn't really the friendliest type... Bah, none of them are. My classmates seems so cold. Or the ones I get along with are. The teenagers who act too much like their age can be amongst themselves, thank you very much. Our older people, the ones I get along with... They're cold. I want a classmate with whom I wouldn't have to feel like I'm trodding on eggshells ._. I hate feeling insecure.

I want so much... Mainly I just want Tero.

We're going to have to put Retu down soon. He's got a tumor right next to his windpipe, it keeps making him cough. It's horrible to listen to...
I hate it how my mom talks about putting him down. She talks about it like it would be my decision only.
I would have him put down... but I don't want to have my mom be there. I could take him to the vet, be there with him until the end, if I were alone. But I don't want to have my mom there. Or then I'd have mom take him and be here alone. I don't want to support my mother and I don't want her support. Yet again... I want support... I want support from somebody. I dunno who, just anybody but my mother.

We were talking with my mom about what to do after Retu's passed. There needs to be a dog in this house, that's kind of an agreement. But mom doesn't want to deal with a puppy. I'd love to, I've never lived with a puppy so I need the experience, but I couldn't deal with it either, because of school. But we came to a conclusion. We'll take Celes. She doesn't get good enough care now that Mika and Tessi have split up. We should be able to get her...

But blah... I want to talk with somebody... I feel horrible.

I had some form of clairvoyancy yesterday. My school started late, so I had time to go to a pet store and get food for my rats. At the same time I checked the tick tweezers and finally bought one. I've been meaning to do that for ages. My mom always said that she wont buy one, because "Retu will never get ticks because he has such thick fur", despite him having had ticks earlier. The ticks don't attach to his body where the thick fur is, they go for the legs or his face, where there's less fur. Well, I went and bought it, finally. The day goes by and in the evening we sit down to watch TV, I scritch the dog... and find the world's largest tick on his chin. Now I'm really happy that I got the tweezers.

Been feeling crappy lately. I lose my nerve with my mother. Yesterday I wore clothes that I had been wearing for the whole weekend and they were a bit fancier than what I'd normally wear, because "normally" means a school day, practical work, so no wearing clothes I like. Well, my mom goes and comments that boy aren't you fancy today. I don't even know if she means anything by it, but I can't help it. Whenever she comments on my appearance, which is whenever I try to get myself to look nicer, I feel like I'm doing something wrong. Why do I constantly have to feel ugly and guilty about trying to look good? I want her to stop commenting on how I look... First I'm too fat, now I'm too skinny... I can never be good enough for her.
It's even worse when I try to put on makeup... She'll barge in and want to check my warpaint. Yeah, it may be her version of humour, but it's making me feel like crap. Gee, thanks for caring about the mental wellbeing of your daughter. I would love to learn how to do these wonderful eyeliner twirls my friends do, but I feel so guilty inside whenever I reach for the makeup bag, because I feel like I'm not allowed to do such things... I'm not allowed to try and look pretty.
And not to even mention the driving school... I HATE driving... I get so nervous and anxious whenever I get near that blasted car... And nobody's listening to me about it... All they say is that it's just good if you a driving license. For hell's sake, I know it's good for me, but why can't anybody listen that I feel horrible about it?!

I want to feel like I could live on my own... I want to feel like I can look the way I want... I want to feel good about myself...

I'm teetering between whether I should go to Ropecon this year or not... I've been missing out on way too many things this year... But still. I don't have that much inspiration for Ropecon. I feel like I should name it to stresscon this year... I'm way too stressed. I see almost every thing that I do to be wrong... Not going to the con, going to the con, both would be so wrong in my head. I can think of many reasons for both options. But I have also one really concrete reason not to go... I need to save money... if I ever want to live on my own...

I feel so useless. We have the guys here, it's been somewhat fun, but still... The guys just ignore me and I get no private time with Tero. Normally we'd chat and RP in bed before going to sleep, but now the guys play so late into the night that I'm in a coma way before they even start thinking about quitting. But at least Tero's having fun.

Well, school's starting soon... At least I'll have something to do for the day. But still... blah... Stress.

I feel like I'd have some sort of anxiety disorder. I get strangely panicky from all sorts of things... Blah...

I want... I don't even know what I want...

EDIT: They've found him. The old gramps is okay : )

The dog is gone. My mother just called and said that Wednesday night was a huge thunderstorm, Retu freaked out and ran away. Nothing's been heard of him since.
I feel... I kinda don't feel anything. At least yet. Or wait... I feel like he's gonna come back anyway, that they'll find him. But then again... I would be sad KNOWING that he'd be dead, but now... There's no knowledge.
Then again, I am not expecting him to get through this summer, or at least not far past it. He has a tumour next to his trachea and he's old. So it kind of feels like that this was expected... Well, not this way, but you know what I mean. I would have rather have him die knowing that he really is dead, not like that he ran off and was never heard from since.
It's just not settling in that I've most likely lost a companion. A dim-witted but very lovable companion.

Come back or rest in peace, Retu.

Ah, summer. Lovely, warm summer. It was beautifully warm for the last few weeks. The last two days were cold, but now, looking outside, it looks promisingly sunny and warm : )

I'm currently at Loppi. I love being away from home. I would so badly want to have an apartment of my own. *sigh* My mom's not helping me at all with that. Though then again, I haven't dared to actually say that I would like to get out as soon as possible. I think that it would just end up with her ridiculing me and me getting pissed and screaming at her.
My mother does not take me seriously. I KNOW how to feed my rats, thank you very much. I've told my mother not to give the rats treats through the bars, because then they'll learn to bite anything that comes through the bars... including fingers. Well, she didn't take me seriously and now she's wondering why they're biting her. It took years to convince my mother not to pamer Retu during thunderstorms and New Year's, she just didn't believe me.
My mother just doesn't believe me at all that I can manage on my own. When she goes away for a day, she has to make sure that there's at least a week's worth of food for me, preferably even already cooked, in the fridge. It's as if I'm not even giving the chance to try and safely practise living on my own for the few days she's away.
When I've been little, everything was done for me. I never had to do practically any chores, just randomly help here and there very rarely. And now my mom's wondering why it's not second nature for me to vaccuum the whole house whenever needed.
I've had an incredibly hard time gaining indepence. I really hope to gather money soon so that I can move out.

Whoah, mother-rant o.O Back to our scheduled program... Summer!

I love it when it's warm. I would love to go swimming. I'll have to bother Tero if we could go today... of course depending on the weather.
This week we'll probably be heading back to Turku (actually Raisio) for a D&D night. Tuomas is taking care of his parent's dogs there, so I'll get to see those two as well. Very amusing critters, a brasilian terrier and a snchauzer. And Edwin! Edwin's a french guy with an awesome sense of humour. It's so delightful listening to the guys when they get going on the jokes.
And next week... The whole gaming group's coming here! This'll be so hysterical XD Tero's mom is going away for the weekend and we'll have the whole house for ourselves. There'll be me, two rats, two cats, a dog and... seven guys XD We'll grill, go to sauna, hopefully go swimming and of course the guys will be playing a ton of D&D. Last time when we had a gaming group here, it was only Tuomas and the Politician, but that resulted in fun times as well. We went to sauna (my first mixed sauna, btw XD) and all of a sudden Tero decided that he'll go ride his motorbike around the yard... naked XD

I don't know how long I'll be here... I know I'll have to go home before Ropecon to get all of my stuff... Then again, Tero could probably come along and we could get the whole group together like last time. But blech, who knows.

I just want that own apartment so badly...

I feel like one of my characters... I'm sipping tea while writing. If that's not Icaros, nothing is...
Shame that I've lost most of my writing ability.

*sigh* Stress. Tero's on Turku... but he's not here. Tero and my mom do not get along, so Tero's practically sworn that he wont set foot in this house while my mom's present. It's making me so sad, because I would love to spend some alone-time with Tero. We have too little time to actually talk and RP. I especially miss the RPing... It makes me sad that I get so tired so early.

I was with the guys today, we were at Raisio. Kind of boring and dull, because they consentrated on their own things and I had nothing else to do than lie there. I wish I could've slept, but I didn't find a comfortable position on the cold floor x.x I've noticed that I've begun to hate the cold. I adore snow, but I hate, hate, hate being cold. One of the worst things: My school's practically always cold. One morning we spent two hours standing still in a bird watching tower. You will probably believe that none of us felt too warm after that. Luckily the days are finally warming up.
I was supposed to dress up all pretty today, but I ran out of time and it really dampened my spirits. When I was walking home from the bus stop after school, I felt so energetic and alive, like I really deserved to be pretty and really wanted to look nice. After the shower, quickly drying and dressing myself the mood had lessened sligthly... but then, when all too soon my cell phone started beeping that I should get going, my mood was just shot down. And the cold didn't really help. Then again, I admit that I wore too little today. I wish it would soon get so warm that you wouldn't need a jacket outside.

Tomorrow I should go see the guys again... Not sure if I feel inspired. Though maybe I'll go there and draw... I should get a ton of exchange pictures done. I went from having all the time in the world to having almost no time at all way too suddenly. If I had known, I definitely wouldn't have signed up for all those exchanges... and definitely would not have taken that adoption from DAX x.x I thought that I would have time during the päivystys, but it turned out that I didn't. Whoppee.

So I have a dilemma for tomorrow. Then again, if I go there, I'll hopefully be able to sleep.Tuomas' couch is awesome, it's a perfect place to sleep on. We will see... I should probably go to bed now too... Though, again, I don't really feel like sleeping. I am as tired as hell, but the sleeping-part just isn't appealing. I would love to be by Tero's side and fall asleep there, but, alas, no.

I'm really starting to want my own apartment... I am definitely not going to Kiviniemi this year. I'll stay right here and force my parents out of this house so that I can practise living on my own. It's terrible that my mom's not doing anything to help me gain independence. Of course she's not, I'm her baby girl who's never supposed to grow up, so that she'll always have somebody to fret about, over-feed and complain to. *sigh* I shouldn't complain this much...

I need sleep... Currently I dislike schedules... x.x Normally I can't live without them x.x I want to feel happy, accepted and stress-free. I constantly feel like banging my head against a wall. Hrr, sleep...

I can't keep writing x.x Time for sleep.

FINALLY out of there. Whoohoo for screwed up rhythms. At least I got to see Tero today : ) And Loppi this weekend hopefully.

I really would want to look pretty. But, what I see as pretty is highly unpractical at school, so I just wear my normal clothes. I would love it if I had more time for myself, but, ah well. And they're be a lot less time from tomorrow onwards, since I'm starting driving school. Scary XD

Not inspired to go back to school at all. We get no compensation at all for staying there during holidays. If the kitchen wouldn't have given us food, we would have gotten 5€ per each day the kitchen wasn't open. But we got food, so no money. And absolutely nothing to compensate for the loss of seriously needed holidays. Ah well, that's life, unfair and all, but I'm still complaining. It's just not fun. Luckily just three weeks more. Then back to the pet shop for more work experience. I hope that'll go as well as it did last time. And I need to check on our little local shop if I can get the summer job spot... And I wish I would get calls from the other places I've applied to. Would just be nice to know what my summer's gonna be like...